[OKAY AKIRA WILL PUT A PIN ON ASKING ISAAC ABOUT HIS ADVENTURES LATER, because for now, he needs to focus on the rest of this conversation. his smile is a bit lopsided, a bit sheepish]
I am.
[of course he is. of course he hates being taken away from his friends-- from his family-- in the middle of their victory road trip. of course he hates being kidnapped (and regardless of what Peach says about him having accepted an invitation, he thinks this is a kidnapping) and brought to this mysterious mansion against his will, without his permission]
[of course he does. of course]
And I want to do whatever it takes to go home. To help everyone here make it back home.
[Akira stops walking when Isaac runs off to chase the monocle, and that question. . . well. the pause Akira gives before answering is extremely palatable]
There is someone I know here, yes.
[but he doesn't elaborate. not yet. not now. that situation was a little too complex]
And I haven't. I'm sorry. [his own features soften, taking on a more sympathetic nature as he wonders who this man could be] Is this person someone important to you?
[ Isaac turns, surprised, and for an instant there's hope--
--immediately extinguished by the answer to his question. His fingers curl around the monocle, forming a shaking fist, and he makes a sound like tch, looking away once more. ]
... you could say that. I just ... needed to make sure he was alright. That's all. It's ... fine.
[Akira has no idea what this "mistake" is, but he reaches out to drop his hand-- not on top of Isaac's head, that might be too patronizing-- but on his shoulder]
No. It matters.
[he gives that shoulder a small squeeze]
I'm sorry. I wish there was a way for us to check on the people we know who aren't here.
[he wants to say that it's okay, but. . . Akira isn't one for useless platitudes. but he can show sympathy and offer comfort, if any of that helps]
this what it's like to have someone actually validate your feelings?
because wow, that's a new thing for isaac. really new. as has become a thing, he stares at akira in abject confusion, but it doesn't last long before, to his horror, his eyes flood with tears. ]
[ he makes a sound and ducks his head, roughly swiping an arm over his eyes. and he nods furiously, showing the agreement he can't voice because he knows tears would betray him. ]
It's...
[ his voice wavers and he sucks in a breath, lifting his head. his face isn't wet, but his eyes still are. ]
You can't just ... make things fine again. How do you not know that? Some things can't be fixed. Some things, when they break, you can't put them back together again. You just can't. How can you-- how can you stand there and act like you can just make everything better if you work hard enough? Are you delusional?
[ his voice gains heat and volume as he goes. it's very clearly not akira he's actually angry with. this bite, the bitterness, it's all directed inward. he clutches his chest. ]
[taking Isaac's other shoulder in his hand now, and-- well. he's definitely not in a position to talk about whether Isaac deserves to be forgiven or not. whether his situation-- whatever it is-- is something that can be fixed]
[but honestly. . . he doesn't think that matters]
. . . you're right. Sometimes you do.
[oh]
Sometimes things are so broken you can't fix them, or make them better, or put them back together again.
But in those situations, making it "fine" isn't about fixing things. It's about learning from your mistakes and being better.
[giving both of those shoulders another squeeze]
It's about doing better. Because as long as you're alive and breathing, as long as you can move and make choices for yourself, you can be better.
It's the first time someone's finally said it. He's wanted to hear it for so long, but now that someone has finally had the mercy to say the words, it feels like a suckerpunch to the chest. Like the end of the world. Like what he deserves.
Sometimes you do.
Thank god.
It hurts.
Akira's got both hands on Isaac's shoulders and it makes him feel like he can't back away. And Akira's taller than he is, a lot taller, feels like an adult but isn't actually, feels so much older and wiser and
more
in control
than isaac
ever could be
And he wants to break into pieces. He's been scared since the moment he got here and all that terror, untreated, roiling beneath his skin, pours out of him now. The tears spill over and he can't really hide. ]
I was supposed to. After-- after Dim. Dimitri.
[ Ah. ]
And then-- and then Mr. Spender, I-- it wasn't supposed to be so much, I try to control it every time and it was only supposed to be a little bit and--
Why can't I ever be better? I try, I really keep trying, I try so hard and all I ever do is-- is hurt them. The, the club, and now Mr. Spender is paying for my mistakes, and I don't--
If I hurt him I don't think I can fix it...! It's like I don't know how to--
I understand! I understand that I can't...! I can't be better! I know it! Or I wouldn't keep doing this!
[. . . Akira doesn't know who Dimitri is, and not having the entire context for Isaac's freak out means that he isn't quite sure what the senseless rambling means. but he isn't going to let confusion stop him from trying to help. he wants to help, because right now all he sees is a panicked kid who's terrified out of his mind, both because he's been kidnapped and because of things that had happened to him before the mansion, and there's absolutely no way he can let this kid go out there and fend for himself in a house full of strangers]
Hey. Hey. . . deep breaths.
[by now, Akira has crouched down onto Isaac's level in an attempt to be less intimidating]
[ What was the last time he even cried like this? He's not even sure. It should be more embarrassing than it actually is, but somehow that isn't part of the maelstrom of emotions going through him. The fear drowns everything else out.
He'll nod at Akira's request, since verbal response is sort of beyond him at the moment, squeezing his eyes shut and nodding furiously. His sobs come out as gasps and quiet sucking breaths, but he tries to control his breathing, to just slow down. It's hard, because he's not any less scared, not any less certain of his own crimes, but--
After a few moments his breathing will even out at least a little, his sobs quieting into just your normal run-of-the-mill tears. ]
I...
[ ... what does he even say? Where does he begin? ]
[once Isaac has calmed down a bit, he speaks again]
There's a lot happening. A lot going on here, okay? So let's focus on one thing at a time.
[whatever happened to Isaac and his friends back home is important, yes, but there isn't anything they can do about them now. so what they should be focusing on is. . .]
Right now, your energy should be put towards getting out of here. I'm not saying you can't worry about the status of the people you care about back home-- you can, and you should.
But try to put that on the backburner. Just. . . for a little bit.
[ .... Isaac will nod slowly. He continues to calm down, his tears slowing. He doesn't really feel better, or, well... things aren't solved. But he's been able to be honest about his emotions, finally, and ... and he's being taken seriously. Not being mocked or told he's sensitive.
Roughly he'll rub his face with the back of one hand. ]
... I know. I know I can't ... do anything about that right now. It's just... it's all I've been able to think about since we got here. Which is pointless because I can't do anything...
[ Isaac is silent for a LONG moment. Looking at Akira, then away. Over and over. Like he doesn't know what to think about this at all, like he doesn't know what to say. ]
I ... I know.
[ ... a breath. ]
That's ... that's why I came to find you. I don't know why, I just had this feeling like... like you'd listen. Besides, we're...
[ His gaze could burn a hole in the floor, but when he raises it to meet Akira's, it's a question instead. ]
no but seriously the effect those words have on Isaac is pretty profound. His reaction is understated, but it's there: a loosening of his expression, a shift in the set of his shoulders. There's this tightly wound coil in his chest, one that's been there for a long, long time, and for the first time in ages, it gives. It doesn't unfurl completely, but--it gives, just a little. Makes it just a little easier to breathe.
Swallowing hard he'll nod a few times. He's not quite smiling, but it's there in his eyes, the unspeakable gratitude. ]
Yeah. We'll get this figured out. ... thanks. For ... [ gestures vaguely in a way probably meant to say "all of this." ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[OKAY AKIRA WILL PUT A PIN ON ASKING ISAAC ABOUT HIS ADVENTURES LATER, because for now, he needs to focus on the rest of this conversation. his smile is a bit lopsided, a bit sheepish]
I am.
[of course he is. of course he hates being taken away from his friends-- from his family-- in the middle of their victory road trip. of course he hates being kidnapped (and regardless of what Peach says about him having accepted an invitation, he thinks this is a kidnapping) and brought to this mysterious mansion against his will, without his permission]
[of course he does. of course]
And I want to do whatever it takes to go home. To help everyone here make it back home.
[a breath]
But I have to approach it one step at a time.
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.... but he stays there for a moment, crouched. ]
Is there anybody here you know?
[ Isaac pushes to his feet, not looking back at the other boy. ]
I've been ... I've been looking around, and ... you haven't seen a, uh, a man with blond hair and like, sunglasses who hide his eyes, or anything?
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There is someone I know here, yes.
[but he doesn't elaborate. not yet. not now. that situation was a little too complex]
And I haven't. I'm sorry. [his own features soften, taking on a more sympathetic nature as he wonders who this man could be] Is this person someone important to you?
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[ Isaac turns, surprised, and for an instant there's hope--
--immediately extinguished by the answer to his question. His fingers curl around the monocle, forming a shaking fist, and he makes a sound like tch, looking away once more. ]
... you could say that. I just ... needed to make sure he was alright. That's all. It's ... fine.
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Who is he?
[asked gently, a little coaxingly, but in a way where Isaac can refuse to answer if he wishes. Akira won't drag it out of him, but he is curious]
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My, uh, my teacher. Mr. Spender. It's just that... I...
[ ... ]
Look, you can't tell anyone this, alright?
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I won't. I promise.
[and Akira is good at keeping his promises]
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I ... I made a mistake. Again.
[ he sounds very bitter. a little angry. after a moment: ]
It's just that he might be hurt and I need to-- if he is, I need to make sure he--
...
[ shrugs, suddenly mute. he's ... pretty visibly upset. ]
Guess it doesn't matter, huh.
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[Akira has no idea what this "mistake" is, but he reaches out to drop his hand-- not on top of Isaac's head, that might be too patronizing-- but on his shoulder]
No. It matters.
[he gives that shoulder a small squeeze]
I'm sorry. I wish there was a way for us to check on the people we know who aren't here.
[he wants to say that it's okay, but. . . Akira isn't one for useless platitudes. but he can show sympathy and offer comfort, if any of that helps]
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this what it's like to have someone actually validate your feelings?
because wow, that's a new thing for isaac. really new. as has become a thing, he stares at akira in abject confusion, but it doesn't last long before, to his horror, his eyes flood with tears. ]
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It's...
[ his voice wavers and he sucks in a breath, lifting his head. his face isn't wet, but his eyes still are. ]
... it's not fine, but. Yeah. I wish that, too.
Guess we just ... have to get out of here, huh.
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It's not fine.
[he acknowledges, and he isn't trying to be pessimistic. for as calm as he's been about everything, he knows that it isn't fine]
But we will make it fine. All right?
[and there's a bit of that Kurusu determination]
We'll find a way out of here. I'll do everything within my power to make sure of that, okay?
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[ this is sharp, like a rebuke. ]
You can't just ... make things fine again. How do you not know that? Some things can't be fixed. Some things, when they break, you can't put them back together again. You just can't. How can you-- how can you stand there and act like you can just make everything better if you work hard enough? Are you delusional?
[ his voice gains heat and volume as he goes. it's very clearly not akira he's actually angry with. this bite, the bitterness, it's all directed inward. he clutches his chest. ]
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[ oh dear. ]
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[taking Isaac's other shoulder in his hand now, and-- well. he's definitely not in a position to talk about whether Isaac deserves to be forgiven or not. whether his situation-- whatever it is-- is something that can be fixed]
[but honestly. . . he doesn't think that matters]
. . . you're right. Sometimes you do.
[oh]
Sometimes things are so broken you can't fix them, or make them better, or put them back together again.
But in those situations, making it "fine" isn't about fixing things. It's about learning from your mistakes and being better.
[giving both of those shoulders another squeeze]
It's about doing better. Because as long as you're alive and breathing, as long as you can move and make choices for yourself, you can be better.
Do you understand?
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It's the first time someone's finally said it. He's wanted to hear it for so long, but now that someone has finally had the mercy to say the words, it feels like a suckerpunch to the chest. Like the end of the world. Like what he deserves.
Sometimes you do.
Thank god.
It hurts.
Akira's got both hands on Isaac's shoulders and it makes him feel like he can't back away. And Akira's taller than he is, a lot taller, feels like an adult but isn't actually, feels so much older and wiser and
more
in control
than isaac
ever could be
And he wants to break into pieces. He's been scared since the moment he got here and all that terror, untreated, roiling beneath his skin, pours out of him now. The tears spill over and he can't really hide. ]
I was supposed to. After-- after Dim. Dimitri.
[ Ah. ]
And then-- and then Mr. Spender, I-- it wasn't supposed to be so much, I try to control it every time and it was only supposed to be a little bit and--
Why can't I ever be better? I try, I really keep trying, I try so hard and all I ever do is-- is hurt them. The, the club, and now Mr. Spender is paying for my mistakes, and I don't--
If I hurt him I don't think I can fix it...! It's like I don't know how to--
I understand! I understand that I can't...! I can't be better! I know it! Or I wouldn't keep doing this!
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Hey. Hey. . . deep breaths.
[by now, Akira has crouched down onto Isaac's level in an attempt to be less intimidating]
Deep breaths. Try to calm down.
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He'll nod at Akira's request, since verbal response is sort of beyond him at the moment, squeezing his eyes shut and nodding furiously. His sobs come out as gasps and quiet sucking breaths, but he tries to control his breathing, to just slow down. It's hard, because he's not any less scared, not any less certain of his own crimes, but--
After a few moments his breathing will even out at least a little, his sobs quieting into just your normal run-of-the-mill tears. ]
I...
[ ... what does he even say? Where does he begin? ]
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There.
[once Isaac has calmed down a bit, he speaks again]
There's a lot happening. A lot going on here, okay? So let's focus on one thing at a time.
[whatever happened to Isaac and his friends back home is important, yes, but there isn't anything they can do about them now. so what they should be focusing on is. . .]
Right now, your energy should be put towards getting out of here. I'm not saying you can't worry about the status of the people you care about back home-- you can, and you should.
But try to put that on the backburner. Just. . . for a little bit.
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Roughly he'll rub his face with the back of one hand. ]
... I know. I know I can't ... do anything about that right now. It's just... it's all I've been able to think about since we got here. Which is pointless because I can't do anything...
[ he heaves a sigh. ]
What I'm saying is I get it. I ... I know.
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[as much as Akira is advocating for Isaac to focus, he refuses to call any of the things he's feeling pointless]
. . . I understand. And it's okay to feel the way that you do. To worry, even when you can't do anything.
[and he finally draws back, even though he doesn't stand up straight yet, arms draped loosely across his knees]
But if you need help getting through this, I'm here. I know we've only just met, but I'll do my very best.
Okay?
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I ... I know.
[ ... a breath. ]
That's ... that's why I came to find you. I don't know why, I just had this feeling like... like you'd listen. Besides, we're...
[ His gaze could burn a hole in the floor, but when he raises it to meet Akira's, it's a question instead. ]
... friends. S-So.
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We're friends.
[they're friends!! the word has been spoken NOBODY CAN TAKE IT BACK NOW]
We're definitely friends.
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no but seriously the effect those words have on Isaac is pretty profound. His reaction is understated, but it's there: a loosening of his expression, a shift in the set of his shoulders. There's this tightly wound coil in his chest, one that's been there for a long, long time, and for the first time in ages, it gives. It doesn't unfurl completely, but--it gives, just a little. Makes it just a little easier to breathe.
Swallowing hard he'll nod a few times. He's not quite smiling, but it's there in his eyes, the unspeakable gratitude. ]
Yeah. We'll get this figured out. ... thanks. For ... [ gestures vaguely in a way probably meant to say "all of this." ]
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[seriously]
[Isaac gets another shoulder pat]
Feeling a little better now?
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1/UHHHHH
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done...
1/2
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